The end of paternity leave

Tomorrow I go back to work. I have been quite lucky in my work situation that I have been able to take four weeks off for paternity leave, and turn my back to the working world to focus exclusively on my family. It has been good and necessary time for all three of us.

I have been dreading the return to work. I love the friendships I have there - the people I have gotten to know at this job are incredible, and it has been especially great having other fathers to talk to about fatherhood. I like what I do, too. But I am addicted. How can I leave my little Pumpkin Belly, how can I not be here to watch over her every part of every day? How can I voluntary be apart from that little face that catches my heart every time she looks at me? How can I wave goodbye to my sweet Evie and Heather my angel, and go elsewhere, no matter how important the mission? My heart does not understand this.

So, I will be returning to work slowly, working my way up to working full time, so to speak. Partially this is motivated by the fact that with Heather still being under stair restrictions (one flight up, one flight down, per day) it makes it far more difficult for her without me here to assist and run to the different floors as needed. Partially this is just simply because I am likely to have a highly emotional reaction to the chunks of time spent without Heather and Evie.

Also, on the first day Heather and Evie will accompany me to work, so that all of my work friends can meet Evie and see how Heather is doing. I think that having them there will really help the transition, forming a sort of hand-off between two phases. And while I am at work everyday, Heather and I will be making significant use of our iSights, using them for videoconferencing. It will be very nice to know I'll be able to see Evie when I want, even if it is over a video stream over the Internet.

As I have been writing, I've been sitting in Evelyn's room, which we don't spend much time in yet (she's in her cradle rooming in with us for now). Evie was having trouble getting back to sleep after a feeding, so I took her over to her crib and am watching over her as she finds her way to sleep. She's discoveed how to vocalize, so now when she's getting to sleep there is a fair amount of grunting and groaning. Heather's very sensitive to any sound Evie makes, so I am watching over her here in the next room so Heather can catch a few moments of undisturbed sleep. I know I ought to go back to sleep myself, but I am relishing these last few hours when my schedule is Evie's alone to dictate, and I don't need to worry about whether I'll have enough sleep to function for the work day.

It has been an amazing ride so far. Now we get to enter the next phase. The amazement has not dulled for the miracle God has given us, that one plus one makes three. It never will.